Any Questions?
by Nimbus 1944
Summary: Prefects are here to help you!


**Any Questions?  
Prefects are here to _help_ you!**

Original story material is the property of the fanfic author; other material of Rowling, et al. falls under the usual disclaimer.

* * *

"Okay, we've almost done; let's get this over with. I'm Ronal... Oi, you midgets! Listen up! I'm Ronald Weasley, and I'm your prefect. This is your Gryffindor common room, and you mostly play chess and chat in here. 'cos there's not much else to do. The chess table nearest the doorway is reserved at night for me and Harry. You can post notices on that board, like when you lose your pet. Try not to fall in the fireplace. The dorm rooms are upstairs, boys over this left side, girls over there on the right. Except the circular stairway goes halfway around, so when you get up there, girls actually go to your left, boys to your right. Don't blame me, I didn't design it. You'll muck it up a few times, but if you go the wrong way, you'll get screamed at right off. It's a good idea to make sure you're on the proper side before you take a shower. That's about it, I guess. Any questions?"

"Please, sir, is there a telephone to ring home, and let them know I arrived all right?"

"Muggle parents, huh? Nah, no fellytone. Send an owl."

"Oh... and no one's said anything about television, or computers, or..."

"Nah, none of that. Not even Wizard Wireless. And no eckeltricity."

"Game room?"

"Nope."

"Isn't there anything, sir? A dart board, even?"

"In Hogsmeade."

"When can we go there?"

"In two years."

"TWO YEARS?"

"Learn chess. We've got chess boards."

"What else is there to do?"

"Walking. Reading. Sunning. Oh, and snogging. Have you tried snogging?"

"Snogg... I'm eleven, sir."

"Whatever. If you sneak out at night doing anything, don't get caught, 'cos I don't want to waste time doing the paperwork, And don't get killed. Next?"

"Sir, is the Dark Forest really scary?"

"Depends."

"On what?"

"Whether the critters kill you before they eat you. I mean, if they kill you outright, then nothing's going to bother you after that, but getting eaten alive's probably scary, yeah. Y'know, once they start to eat you, you kinda want them to finish you off -- you wouldn't want to be rescued like three-quarters eaten, would you? "

"I get the idea, thanks."

"Especially if it's like a whole bunch of giant spiders and they're all taking chomps out of you, and..."

"Uh, sir? We just ate."

"Oh. Yeah. Next question?"

"Sir, do they really have elves here? What do they do?"

"They cook and clean... and make rogue bludgers to brain you, or if you're lucky, it misses your head and breaks your arm."

"Well... if elves are dangerous, why do they have them working here?"

"So you shrimps will have someone to look down on. Next?"

"Can you tell us what they do in some of the classes?"

"Sure, let's see. In Potions, the professor yells at you and insults you. In Wizard History, you mostly sleep. Next year, in Divination, you'll stare at some tea leaves or something and make up stuff. In Magical Creatures, you'll feed flobberworms. Next?"

"Do they allow swimming in the lake?"

"Did you hear about Inky yet?"

"Who's Inky?"

"The giant squid. He might let you swim if he likes you."

"How do you know if he... doesn't like you?"

"He doesn't let you swim. Next brilliant question?"

"Sir, does the password stay the same all the time?"

"No."

"Oh! Then, if we can't get in, what do we do?"

"Sit in the corridor until this ugly guy and his ugly cat come for you. That'll be Filch and Mrs. Norris. If Filch isn't looking, you can kick Mrs. Norris; the current cat-punting record here is 3 meters. I could do loads better, but I haven't had a chance."

"Is that Mrs. Norris on the windowsill?"

"Naw, that's Crookshanks. He's one of us. The rule is, if it looks like it's run face-first into a brick wall too many times, that's Crookshanks; if it looks like the brick wall fell on it, that's Mrs. Norris. Next?"

"Sir, if we need to see a doctor, how do we go about it?"

"Double up in agony and fall on the floor, screaming and moaning. What do you mean, how do you go about it? Tell somebody about it, for Pete's sake, and go see Madam Pomfrey in the hospital wing, of course! Next?"

"Are there any school clubs after classes?"

"No."

"Can my Muggle sister visit on weekends?"

"No!"

"Can we use that Quidditch pitch for football?"

"NO!"

"Are we allowed to twiddle our thumbs?"

"Yes. If you're quiet."

"Rollicking great place, this. A barrel of laughs."

"You're new here. S'posed to be learning, not having fun."

"Then, what did YOU lot do when you were in First Year?"

"Well... Hermione set fire to one professor, and Harry killed another one. I knocked out a mountain troll, and..."

"You knocked out a TROLL? Here?"

"Yeah, well, it was hiding in a girl's loo. Remember that, girls; you might want to send some sissy Hufflepuff in first -- y'know, someone who's expendable. You're fairly safe in Myrtle's loo."

"...Myrtle's?"

"Yeah. She's the ghost of a girl who died in the loo. Now she haunts it."

"Did the troll get her?"

"No, a Basilisk . Giant serpent. It came up through the pipes. Nothing to worry about."

"So, this Myrtle only haunts girls?"

"No, she pops up when boys are taking baths, too. Right weird, that one."

"Did anything bad happen to you in First Year?"

"Oh, I got clobbered, too. It put me in the hospital."

"Who did it?"

"The White Queen."

"The ... White... Queen?"

"Y'know, like in chess."

"Like in... Alice in Wonderland?"

"I s'pose."

"Life-size person?"

"Yep."

"The White Queen clobbered you. .. right. Well, 'scuse me, sir, I'm off. Anyone else going up to the dorm?"

"Are there any more qu... Hey! You don't all have to run at once! Take it slow on those stairs! If anyone has any questions, feel free to ask any time. We prefects are here to make your First Year pleasurable."


End file.
